[meander]

Life is complicated.

This I have come to discover through multiple avenues, but more so, over one very long avenue that has had me driving for miles. And when I say miles, I mean m-o-n-t-h-s. Convoluted directions and restricted left-hand turns.. mirages out on the open desert road..

Where’s Google Maps when ya need it?

When you’re young, everything seems unbelievably simple.

Effortless;

Straightforward; &

Clear-cut.

So life’s decisions are simple, right? Turns out.. this is not always the case. Joke’s on this girl. Turns out.. very likely is this ever the case.

I remember just how painless my youth ‘problems’ were – if you can even call them that. They were centered around slumber party guest lists, basketball team tryouts, spelling bee jitters, and babysitting schedules.

Now my problems have more to do with salary negotiations, living out my dreams in life, finding out if the guy I’m dating has the potential to be my husband, figuring out my ‘5 year plan’ – whatever the FREAK that is – watching my friends get pregnant while I sit here and watch Netflix home alone on a Friday night (..and am incandescently & shamelessly happy about it).

So where does that lead me? To surrender & trust. Not the simple answer I was looking for to get me out of the not-so-simple complications of life. The older I get, the surer I am that I’m not running the show. And it’s a DANG good thing that I’m not.

P

A

U

S

E.

^^so this little snippet of stress; ball of nerves; whatever you would like to call it – was written in June of 2014.

It is now – as you know – March 2015. [Sometimes I have a bad habit of leaving things halfway done.]  I found this unfinished wannabe blog post while going through files on my computer a couple of weeks back. When I read it, I laughed.. a good laugh. Mainly for the fact that it is complete + solid evidence that the ways of the Lord are second to none – that he truly is sovereign. But what’s even better than that? His sovereign ways are GOOD. He is GOOD. And now for the best part.. he LOVES us.

What?!?!?! That is mind boggling, incredible, awe-inspiring.. and, most importantly, true. So back when I wrote this, I think you can gather that I was a little confused – I was in a stage of life where I felt the need to test the waters, if you will.. see what was on the other side of the pasture in hopes of finding something excitingly luscious and green. No such luck. In my wandering (“prone to wander, Lord I feel it”.. those lyrics ring annoyingly true), God stayed.

So I was reading Genesis 38 this morning. It's a real knock-you-right-outta-your-seat-jaw-dropping-way-down kind of chapter. The main character, Judah (Judah is Israel's - formerly known as Jacob - son) is living quite the life.. um, sleeping with prostitutes, selling his brother to the family’s enemies for some extra cash money.. just a little brotherly love here - nothing out of the ordinary. Nope, I am lying. This was an interesting Saturday morning read to say the least. However, what I found exponentially more interesting is that God chose Judah’s line to bring Jesus into the world. Say whaaaaat?

Judah clearly has some issues. Let’s be real. Homeboy is a bit confused about the meaning of “righteousness” and the goodness it brings us – but aren’t we all, really?

But God.

I love the coupling of these two words. But God uses Judah, a sinful + flawed person, to bring about a most perfect Messiah. Crazy. Throughout the Old Testament, New Testament, and in my daily life, I am assured of the truth that I cannot lose, even when I am faint of heart or go my own way through disobedience or rebellion when he is on my side. As I said earlier, God is sovereign. And so incredibly GOOD. And he LOVES us.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in [me] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

--Philippians 1:6

Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.

--Romans 5:20

So basically, on this 4^th day of March, walking into a fresh, new month.. I am out of the wandering – in this specific instance at least.. personally, I believe we are annoyingly + subconsciously always going to wander until Jesus comes back. But God uses this wandering to slowly reveal to us that he is working on our behalf - for the g-o-o-d of those who love him. 

And today, on this 4th day of March, I choose to believe that God is constantly at work in and around and through me. I choose to fully acknowledge that there are many surprises in store for me that are leading me to the wide open arms of Jesus Christ, my completely good + sovereign + loving Sweet Lord.

Won't you choose to believe with me?

[illuminate us]

Hello, dear friends. 

Although I may not know you, I trust that you are searching for meaning & that you feel the need for a deep sense of belonging (hint: because that's what everyone desires). I want you to know that 2015 holds an endless supply of possibilities, successes, adventures, monumental learning experiences.. and maybe some darkness dispersed in between.

Wait, don't go. I promise this will get better.

So, ever since I was a little girl I have loved to craft - soap bars for my extended family members (why not?), "snow globes" in translucent, upside down Dixie cups for my mom to put on her desk at work (what can I say? I'm an artist), and more recently, beer bread for my coworkers (yes, cooking is a craft). Pinterest has accelerated this interest of mine. Anyway, I tend to craft items for people I love. So this Christmas, I knew that I wanted to make something for some family members, but I didn't know what exactly I wanted to make. This is where Pinterest comes in. After perusing the website for several minutes/hours/..days (you be the judge), I decided to make soy candles.

In addition to crafting, I also journal. This year I wrote down a couple of words to describe each individual month. I have a fear of forgetting the good & the bad in the midst of busyness, and I want to remember what each month brought to the table. Personally, I would recommend doing this - it's been pretty interesting. According to my journal, 2014 was full of settling in, backsliding, busyness, surprising myself, a European adventure, celebration of an absence, and love.

Back to the candles.. after choosing my idea, I, naturally, thought of light and its meaning to me.

Jesus said that He is the light of the world - that whoever follows Him shall not walk in darkness but have the light of life. 
--John 8:12

Jesus' word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. 
--Psalm 119:105

And then it came to me.

Although I wrote down individual words to categorize each month, there is one key word that is representative of each of the months. It is depicted in bold, capital letters, size 394,856 font on the banner that covers my year of 2014. All 12 months. All 365 days. And that one key word would be: Light.

Even though there were times that I attempted to hide in the dark, as well as times that I almost forgot what light looked like, it has been there. He has been there. And even when darkness dispersed into portions of my 365 days, Light prevailed.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

--John 1:5

So, dear friends - remember what I said about feeling the need for a deep sense of belonging? Know that in Him, 

You, along with the Church, are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

--1 Peter 2:9

Here's to 2015. I know that it's going to be a marvelous year - for you & me both. When we acknowledge Him, we are sure to see that His good, sweet, and victorious Light always prevails.

[give light]:

makes about 12 small candles

you will need:

- 12 small decorative containers (I used planters from Anthropologie)

- soy wax flakes, 1 lb bag.. get this at Hobby Lobby

- pouring pot.. also at Hobby Lobby right next to the soy wax flakes (SCORE!)

- wooden spoon for mixing.. I used chopsticks

- wick wire.. also next to the soy wax flakes at Hob Lob

- 12 clips to put your wire in.. "see above"

- any scent you so desire (I bought "homestead" scent from Hobby Lobby)

1. Turn the stove to medium heat and pour all of the wax flakes into the pouring pot.

2. As the wax begins to melt, stir with wooden spoon. Stir every so often until all flakes have melted completely and wax is transparent.

3. Remove from heat and pour in your scent. I poured in the whole bottle. (Note: this activity can also serve as the perfect bonding opportunity for you and your boyfriend.. or.. you can make him craft with you because you're a procrastinator on gifts and need help asap.)

4. Let the wax sit for 25 minutes before pouring in the small decorative containers so that it can cool to 120 degrees.

5. While you are waiting for the wax to cool. put a clip and some wick wire in your small decorative containers.

6. After 25 minutes, pour the wax into the small decorative containers. Then wait for the wax to harden (15 hours). As the wax starts to set, it will become less transparent.

7. Trim the wicks, tie some twine around your candle and gift to a loved one.

Happy 2015!

[life lately]

Summarizing everything I've learned about a particular topic in one, consolidated, quantifiable report.

This is what I do at work.

This is what I am going to do in this blog post.

Topic of choice: life.

Okay, so NO, I’m not really going to summarize the ENTIRE topic of life in this report – that would be far too time consuming; rather, I will settle for “Life Lately”. My consolidated, quantifiable report will comprise of 5 main truths that I have learned over the course of the late summer and early fall months – simple yet transformative truths. And, friend.. I hope you, too, have learned or will soon learn these wonderful truths. Because quite frankly, life is good when we experience truth. And with that..

Ready, set, GO.

1. Even if you think your prayer is somewhat ‘small’ or ‘stupid’, I can guarantee you that God cares. [Insert Matthew 6:26, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 139]. If you REALLY think about it – this is both humbling & frightening – we are quite small. We are 1 in 7.125 billion. Not only are we small population-wise, take note that we are small galaxy-wise. Let’s talk about how there are 17 billion Earth-sized planets in our galaxy ALONE. Think about your worries of your day. Then minimize them. Of course your prayer is going to be ‘small’. Regardless, God – the sole Creator of the 7.125 billion people and 17 billion planets – artistically crafted an intricate being – aka YOU – and desires to know you. Every little piece of you. He wants to hear about both the painful mouth ulcer that won’t go away and the huge presentation you’ve got next Thursday. He loves when you slowly release the grip of your so-called ‘control’ and give it up to Him, the only true Controller. He loves to comfort you because He loves you. Take heart. When you tell Him your thoughts and hopes and dreams, trust Him with them. Wait expectantly to see more of His character through the way He answers [or doesn’t answer] your prayer – small or big. You will be amazed.
2. Community is good. Wherever you go, there is someone out there (no, multitudes of ‘someone’s, actually) who are experiencing the same things as you, feeling the same things as you, attempting to understand the same things as you. Take comfort in this. Use this. I have found a commonality in each of the ‘crossroads’ of my life: there has always been one particular person strategically placed in my life to aid me in my distress, celebrate with me in my joys, or sit with me in my apathy – who has either previously gone through or is currently going through this stage. No coincidence there – it’s on purpose. He determined the set times for them and the exact places where [His creation] should live. God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him.. –Acts 17
3. Where you invest your [prayer], you invest your life. No, I didn’t just butcher the Mumford and Sons lyrics.. inadvertently. I always kind of wondered why God wanted us to pray – don’t get me wrong, I know that this communication vastly deepens & strengthens our relationship with God – it’s just that sometimes I just don’t understand why we are called to pray for certain things if God has already made up his mind about everything, ya know? That’s what I call a conundrum. Well, my perspective changed. 2 weeks ago. I am blessed to know some of the most loving, mission-minded people. It’s crazy inspiring. SO.. I was reading a monthly newsletter of one of these beautiful-souled people and slowly began praying for the prayer requests included in their letter. And like that, suddenly I became invested. Interesting how that works out. I became sincerely interested in the wellbeing of my friend and each of her prayer requests. God is good like that. He gives us that heart for others. He gives us the freeing ability to trust Him when we leave our cares at His feet.
4. Never lose your sense of wonder. I seriously enjoy music. Zach Winters, Ellie Holcomb, All Sons and Daughters, Sigur Ros, Bon Iver, .. the list goes on and on. Ever spent time thinking about how we hear? Sound waves enter the ear canal and cause the eardrum to vibrate, vibrations passing through 3 connected bones in the middle ear, which in turn sets fluid moving in the inner ear. This moving fluid bends thousands of delicate hair-like cells which convert the vibrations into nerve impulses which are then carried to the brain by the auditory nerve. In the brain, the impulses are converted into what we “hear” as sound (sc.edu). The sound worms its way deep into our emotions, our lives.. while we just sit there stupidly and hear. Let’s not forget that this world, including all of its inhabitants, is deeply magical. We should respect people for who they are: individual miracles. Little bodies of life and little tiny evidences of a creative Creator.
5. Abide. While you’re busy praying, communing, investing, and wondering..I’ve learned it’s very important to keep on keepin on. Let’s  a-b-i-d-e.

a.       to await in expectation

b.      to continue without fading or being lost

c.       to endure without yielding

d.      to bear patiently

e.      to accept without objection

f.        “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.. apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15

And regardless of when we arrive upon our discoveries of truth – whether it be late summer / early fall like the 5 I discussed – in every season, He is still God.

[the gospel brought to you by the season of fall]

This is my most favorite season.

How can one not enjoy fall? Sounds like a pretty impossible feat if you ask me. (But you didn't.)

I like the crisp, cool weather. The pumpkin flavored e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The snuggling. The football. The color of trees when they change colors. Umm hello.. comfort food! The scarves and plaid flannels. The anticipation & joy that comes from the beautiful realization that holidays are quickly approaching - ATTENTION: Coming soon: precious time with loved ones and time off of work.

But most of all, I love the imagery of the gospel that I see in fall.

I was thinking about this yesterday on the way home from work. I was listening to "Nothing I Hold Onto" by United Pursuit while passing by trees that were slowly beginning to change colors. It was good.

I don't know if this is how it is with you, but summer is always a busy time for me. I have learned to [a little bit] strongly dislike it. I just feel like, for some reason, in the summer, everyone - myself included - is constantly on the go during the hours of extended daylight. I don't do "always-on-the-go". Eventually, my introvert self gets tired. I get tired of the hot weather. The sweating profusely problem that I may or may not have.. but mostly I get tired of the busyness.

It seems like as fall rolls around, I am done with continual activity. I am so burnt out of trying to get that overflowing to-do list checked off and being social by signing up for activity after activity to fill my schedule while simultaneously attempting to fill my heart, that I simply can't do it anymore. I am trying and trying so hard to be effective & efficient with my numerous summer activities that it gets me. I give up.

Fall is letting go of those habits that aren't so becoming. Fall is realizing I can't do it on my own and letting go. Slowly, becoming so ravaged with the clutter, that I let it loose.

And in winter, even though it is cold and hard - I let go of my 'control' - and slowly, progressively, I see the white. Slowly, I am becoming clean. I am letting go of trying to do it on my own.

And in the spring, I am made new. I am brought through the busyness and the attempt at controlling my own life, the hard times that make me clean and present me as a new creation - white & blameless. And in the spring, I flourish. Only because of the realization that I can't do it on my own. I am not in control. I am never going to get anywhere by over-cramming & checking off items on my to-do list. It is through the hard winter that I learn more about my Creator, about who He created me to be. It is through the winter that He makes me clean - white as snow. And it is in the spring that I am joyful - that I blossom.. understanding that the only reason I am able to blossom is because of the seasons that brought me here - this season of spring. This season of becoming.

And soon and very soon, I will find myself - again - in the continuous cycle of seasons. I will find myself in busyness, in attempting to do things on my own for the false belief that I am all-knowing or something (um.. I know. Ya right.). And I will then recognize it. And come clean. And bloom.

But the best part of it all - it's not the continual transformation or the different life stages. It's the truth that I am always coming right back to the source of life - Jesus Christ - the fulfiller. The pilot. The controller. The cleaner. And the planter who brings about the fresh blooms. Time and time again.

[for the lovers]

The woman who lovingly sprinkles grapes on her husband's Chipotle salad to make sure he gets his fruit intake for the day. (And yes, this truly just happened - you can surely believe I chuckled with delight.)

The wide open arms spread nearly a mile apart, preparing to engulf the best friend who just arrived at the Dulles Airport.. shortly followed by shrieks - a multitude of shrieks - of pure joy.

The couple across from you on the bus, fingers interlaced and eyes locked, staring at one another as if they were the only other person in a world of over 7 billion.

Words from a family who loves and cherishes every single part of you before leaving for a vacation thousands of miles away. The prayers and heart felt good wishes received, joy beaming on the face of the traveler - the radiation seen and felt by all who come close.

Sometimes, on a day like today, amidst the painful memories of the hate that led to a terrorist attack, or the current ongoing stories of 'religious' movements attempting to wipe out a certain people group.. it can seem like this place is devoid of love.

It's easy to get sucked into thinking this way.

To get caught up in asking the "Why?"s. To let disgust consume us. To believe that love is merely lingering around for a short time before it completely vanishes from the earth, leaving us with nothing but contempt & wars.

No matter how terrible or discomforting our current world may seem, you and I both know that love is still out there, actively winning over every single ounce of the souls of those it touches, illuminating the hearts & minds of those who cannot merely keep it to themselves - they must show it to others.

Freely you have received; freely you give.

Let's elaborate on the love in our life stories. Expand it, encouraging everyone to feel it from their heart, outwardly displaying it through the sprinkling of grapes, the hugging & shrieking, the hand holding & eye locking, the words of encouragement.

Let's fight anything that is against it by stripping the world of its hate. Its emptiness. 

And in turn.. let's show it love. And by showing love, we can be sure that we are slowly & simultaneously revealing life.

For the lovers:

(Side note: I unabashedly & wholeheartedly believe this title encompasses every single one of those 7 billion people mentioned earlier - call me a fool or a crazy enthusiast.. I'm okay with either.)

Just keep going.

It's going to be hard, and you're going to constantly get the urge to give up.

You can do it.

Cling to the joy that Jesus Christ has freely given to you. Celebrate the little acts of love you see. Pray for those who try to steal your joy. Love on them, too. Focus on the good. And when things become completely unbearable..

Remember: the best is yet to come, my dear friend.

For [She] was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.

[life together]

There are a few things I have come across in this world that I truly love, although many that I like.

-I like the smell of coffee early in the morning after 8.5 hours of sleep.. and not a second more or less.
-I like reading words of meaning, whether words that teach me or those that encourage me.
-I like baking - particularly oatmeal chocolate chip cookies - on cold & rainy evenings.. and eating 1/2 of the cookie dough before putting it in the oven. Whoops.

But I love community.

Here goes.. my first post in quite some time. The past 6 months have been somewhat of a large blur. Sometimes life plans get sidetracked and my own strong desires become outweighed by present feelings & situations. Could I be more non-descriptive? Probably not, but hopefully you get my gist.

Anyway, throughout this entire season, two things have remained.

1. Jesus
2. Community

Throughout this season, I have learned just how essential community is for myself, as well as every single person on the face of the earth, I would argue. Strong, solid, righteous community. You know what I'm talking about - those people that you can pour out your heart to for hours on end without second guessing your decision to tell them your most intimate life details. The people who don't have to listen to your complaining but willingly choose to do so because of their genuine love for you. The people who urge you on in the right direction with truth, regardless of whether or not you can see the truth for what it is at that specific time in your life.

My community/encouragers/supporters - each of them as important to my well being as water is to my body - have exhibited the love of Jesus to me time and time again. That truthful encouragement that I'm talking about - the loving kindness that community graciously presents to us - comes from Jesus Christ.

To the ones that love me - this one's for you. You mean more to me than you know.

Thank you for reminding me that I belong.

Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you for showing me that God delights in me and calls me by name.

Thank you for reminding me that I am never too far gone - that I am loved deeply and wholly as I am.

Thank you for choosing to be the salt in the world, especially when it is difficult and goes unnoticed.

Thank you for showing me what God is really like.

Thank you for loving me. The world needs more people like you.

 

not pictured: nicole triana

 

 

YOU are love.

 

[the season of becoming]

In lieu of my own words, I am going to reference one of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequest. If you have not yet read any of her 3 books (particularly Bread & Wine), I demand (strongly encourage..?) you to.

This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated. 

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. 

Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?” 

Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe God is good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

-- Shauna Niequest's "11 Things to know at 25(ish)" for Relevant Magazine