[a redeemed failure, I am]

There is this one thing. This one, enormously h-u-g-e problem I have. I can't for the life of me get rid of it. And trust me.. I've tried. It's sticky and bitter and has an AWFUL aftertaste. It upsets every facet of my life whether it be through friendships, relationships, religion, love, or goals.

Here it goes..

I'm a failure.

[Background Information:]
The other weekend I was talking with my friend about our lives in high school - about how young and naive we were compared to our college selves. We discussed how knowledgeable we felt in that present time but how off the rocker that thought, in fact, really was. We talked about our mistakes and how we thought we had learned from them.. until we began discussing our college lives and the mistakes we re-rehearsed.

[Fast Forward:]

Post college I still make most of those mistakes, no matter how hard I try to evade them. I am constantly relearning the lessons I 'learned' last week, last month.. last year. Hard of hearing? Maybe. No - definitely. Apparently [and unfortunately] my conscience isn't always as loud as my feelings.

[Synopsis:] 

a. I am never going to be omniscient or as full of knowledge of life as I would like to be, thus enabling me to make mistakes. Frequently.

b. While there is wisdom to be gained in life, I will most likely choose the wrong route [at times] even though I know it is wrong. I will do so knowingly & willfully.

c. I have a hard time ridding myself of these mistakes when depending on my own strength to do it.

And then grace steps in.

That illogical yet life changing five letter word - the word that only comes to meaning after failing. And failing hard. 

You begin to feel it releasing you from your heavy shackles after putting that significant other on a pedestal when they were never called to be there. After proclaiming to love a friend, yet neglecting to put her above yourself. After placing your self worth in your success at work.. as if this is an indicative measure. After trying to go a day without coveting something or someone. (Whatever it is, it's all the same.)

..and finding that you're f-o-r-g-i-v-e-n. Not because you deserve it, but solely because you don't deserve it.

And the good thing about grace.. is that it also sticks. We can't seem to get past it once we truly & intimately experience it. Rather than having an awful aftertaste, it is sweet like honey and filling like homemade bread. Rather than upsetting every facet of your life, it restores & redeems it all.

No longer are you bound to your mistakes. Not because you deserve it, but solely because you don't deserve it.

This is exactly who Jesus is. 

When one of the 12 disciples, Peter, who admittedly desired to follow Jesus with his whole heart denied being a follower of Jesus not one but a solid THREE times, Jesus wholeheartedly forgives him.

'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.' (Luke 23:34)

Let me remind you - Peter is the same guy who told Jesus that he would never disown Him, even if that meant he had to die with Him (Matthew 26:35). After Jesus' mysterious act of forgiveness, Peter goes on to be an ambassador of the gospel to the Gentiles. When persecuted, he perseveres. When tempted, he holds his ground to he point of death.

You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. (Romans 6:18)

This is grace in action. 

This is exactly what you are being offered.

Of course, this is in no way to say that you are never going to mess up (hint: see above). Rather, this means that you are forgiven & redeemed through the blood of Jesus Christ. We will never fully understand the mystery of grace, but if we're wise enough to see what is truly being offered, we will sprint with arms wide open to the only One who can cure us of our emptiness. Our mistakes. Our backsliding. Our selfishness. Our inherent flaws. Our incapacity to see God for who He truly is.

This, my friends, is grace.

[We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.] 
--C.S. Lewis

[the last thing on my to do list]

This past month has been stressful [for somewhat unnecessary reasons].

So.. if you know me well, you are one of the lucky people who get to hear about my bodily stress issues. (Side note: my body HATES stress. Like if my body was trapped on a deserted island with one thing.. the last thing on the list would in fact be.. stress.) I digress..

So it’s been annoying.

But you know what I find even more annoying?

It’s the fact that I know exactly what will help in easing my apprehension, yet some days I find myself neglecting to do it, as if it’s just another box to check off on my never ending to-do list.

Wait.. why?!

Because I am stubborn.

I like to pretend that I am in control of my life and can obtain peace on my own accord.

I spend the time that I could be using in communion with Jesus to worry about my worries. And yes, I am well aware that this is not a sensible solution. 1 + 1 does not equal dog.

Do you ever find yourself getting caught up in the troubles of the day/week/month/year? Don’t get me wrong here – I understand that some things naturally bring about anxiousness: new jobs, relationships, travel, overfilled schedules, etc. I would find it a bit strange if I wasn’t concerned with the things that I have been experiencing the past few weeks. But the amount of concern I have expressed over these things (..should we call them lifesuckers?) looks different than trust and a WHOLE lot different than being still and knowing that He is God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

What if I took time to meditate on this truth rather than worry about outcomes and expectations? The Creator of the Universe loves ME and wants to use me for His divine purpose of redeeming the world!

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

What if I took Jesus for His word and trusted Him to give me rest?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Welp, it’s time to sit & trust.

Later!

[a letter to the future me]

A letter for those of us who can sometimes get caught up in the expectations - whether implicit or explicit, true or false, big or small - that the world around us demands; a letter to give perspective from outside of the tunnel, desiring to shed new light that can only come from experience, wisdom, and time.

---------->Hint: Insert your name [here].

To the future [Laura],

Earlier this week you assisted your company in recruiting at the University of Oklahoma's career fair. You saw hundreds of 'real world' bound, wide eyed college students, anxiously awaiting a chance to talk with you as well as your fellow coworkers about the possibility of a career with your company. While conversing with these students, you noted that some appeared confident, others were heavily perspiring when you spoke to them about their plans post graduation.. but all of them - of this I am sure - were the perfect balance of anxious and unsettled. If you remember correctly, you too were in the exact same position two years ago. The funny thing is, yesterday, you had a completely new perspective. What once seemed like such a fearful, defining moment now shone forth as - yes, a defining moment - but more so, a natural part of life - a small yet integral stone in this pathway known as life. I want you to forever remember this feeling when future life changes come your way and you are left wondering if everything is going to be alright.

It will.

You have always been okay, and you will continue to be okay for the remainder of your life. And with that, I want to remind you of a few realizations that I have come to know as truths along this journey:

You have tremendous worth. Be confident in who you are - learn your characteristics & traits. Find relationships & workplaces in which these characteristics are deemed valuable. Know that you are unrepeatable - there is a magic about you that is all your own. No one has been, currently is, or will ever be the exact mix of these characteristics and traits that make up the essence of [Laura Elizabeth].

People are just people; do not allow them to fill you with feelings of insecurity, envy, unnecessary shame or guilt. Everyone needs love & sincerity. If they are not displaying love & sincerity in their lives, do not judge them or blame it on them. Instead, merely assume that they have not yet seen it. Show it to them.

Life does not owe you anything. As soon as you are able to fathom this harsh yet true idea, you will no longer expect a problem free life. Know that hardship, trial, and grief are inherent risks of life. And then move on.

That hardship, trial, and grief that I just mentioned - everyone is experiencing. At some point in their lives, every single person on the face of the earth will have bad days/weeks/months/most likely years. You are to take comfort in this. Knowing this will give you the ability to relate. Don't bottle up these emotions and pretend as if you are not experiencing them. Let it out. Find a trustworthy mentor, best friend, family member to confide in.

Be a mentor. This involves being open, loving, trustworthy, respectable, and knowledgeable, so if you are not these things, you should probably go back to step one (hey - it's okay if you have to. Take time to become these things, and don't be distraught when it takes longer than you imagined). Find a mentee who is willing & able to retain what you discuss. Love them. Let them know how valuable they are. Share life with them.

Find out what you believe and why you believe it. Then stand firm. This involves feeding your faith with action & knowledge. Soon you will see your doubts beginning to starve. C.S. Lewis states that faith is the art of holding on to something in spite of changing moods and circumstances - I would say that he was pretty accurate in that description.

You will never stop learning. At first this may seem slightly annoying - which it kind of is - but who do you think you are.. Creator of the universe? Enjoy the learning. It is for the better that we don't understand everything. Life would not be nearly as magical as it is now.

Take the focus off of yourself. I know I just told you earlier about how you have tremendous worth and all, but you certainly do not deserve the focus. There are 7 billion people in this world. According to UNICEF, 22,000 children die each day due to poverty. Some 1.1 billion people in developing countries have inadequate access to water, and 2.6 billion lack basic sanitation. You're suddenly seeming less important, huh?

Do not ever be ashamed of your past. It brought you here, and right here is exactly where you should be.

And lastly..

When you find yourself forgetting these truths, remember that you, [Laura Elizabeth], are to hold yourself to a standard of grace - not perfection - because of Jesus Christ and his unfathomable mercy. In love, show this to others.

Again.. not to spoil the ending for you, but everything is going to turn out okay.

With love,
The 2014 [Laura Elizabeth]




|| Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works within us. ||

[so this is the new year]

It’s 12:46, and I’m sitting here in my work cubicle on my lunch break. I only have 60 minutes of internet quota time since Blogspot is outlawed by my place of profession (as well as Facebook and Spotify); therefore this post will be choppy & sweet.

- The closing of that novel you’ve been reading all freaking year.
- The second chance you’ve been so eagerly anticipating after that first go around didn't quite cut it.
- Three hundred sixty five acres of pasture full of wide open spaces.. just waiting for your creative little heart to take over and plow, build, run wild – whatever suits your fancy.

..or as some would put it:

The

New

Year.

 

I’m ready.. are you?

 

2013,

We made it. You tried your best to keep me down, and at times, you kind of did. BUT.. here I am. I made it through.. ready and feisty as ever to leap into 2014 with this four letter word we call h-o-p-e.

 

Your antics were both sweet & sour, which I guess in all reality, is quite better than plain & dry. You made me cry, question, and get accommodated with that terrifying thing called change.

 

You’ve made your presence known, that’s for sure. But you know what? I’m stronger, wiser, and more myself because of you. Everything that brought me here will be worth it – of this I am sure.

 

And for this reason, I give thanks.

 

Thank you. For European adventures. Beautiful, intentional friends. Laughter & silliness. A wonderful job with wonderful people. A new car. The gift of partaking in the unions of God seeking couples. Family communication via FaceTime and group messaging when I am a state away. Books with words of meaning and truth. For reminding me to be confident in who I am: a daughter of the King. Thank you even for the times you walked right over me while I was down. I got up.

 

And now is where I say..

 

Move along. You’re done here.

 

xoxo,

laura

 

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

--Ecclesiastes 3:11

 

 

My phenomenal Mrs. Mayberry on her wedding day right before she
 married her college golf coach.. life is funny, isn't it?

 

I wasn't kidding when I said my friends were beautiful.. THIS girl.

The A to my B personality AND she dresses up with me? One word: keeper.
P.S. Pumpkin + Pi(e)

 

My heart friend and I attending weddings.. it's what we do.

They REALLY are the best.
 

She gets me. AND she's cute to boot.



Oh ya.. I went to Europe.

 

 Get at me 2014!

 

[retirees & the Rhine]

Here I am..

Sailing aboard the MS River Melody with 139 of my closest retired friends (I really should look into the details a bit more when my parents ask if I want to accompany them on a European river cruise.. four letters: A-A-R-P). Just finished editing my list of belongings that were in my 50.5 pound suitcase before it was lost. I will then send it to Lufthansa airlines in hopes of obtaining full reimbursement (crossing my fingers). We're on to Day 6 of the trip, and the suitcase has yet to be located. It has to be somewhere between Tulsa, DC, Munich, Frankfurt, and Basel - I'm sure of it. Yesterday I learned how to wash clothes in my sink with the detergent the airline provided me with in my overnight amenity kit - a skill any 24 year old should be proud to flaunt.

 

From my point of view, there are 2 ways to approach the matter at hand:

 

1. Get upset and let the fact that I have two outfits ruin my trip. I'm smelly, a bit irritable, and SMELLY.

2. Get over it and embrace the fact that life happens, and right now I'm on a European adventure!

 

I'll take the latter.

 

But really. I was feeling a little upset when I realized there was a large possibility that I might not ever get those clothes back due to the fact that my luggage hasn't even been located. There go my new jeans and sweaters.. WAIT. Am I REALLY getting upset over clothing?!

 

I have other clothes.

 

Things could be MUCH worse. These are a few outfits we're talking about here (okay, more like 12, but that's alright). I didn't lose my house, my car, my friends, my family, my health.. my life.

 

Suddenly.. things got a little bit brighter.

 

All I'm trying to say here is life happens. We get laid off, we have a bad breakup, we have to buy underwear from the local super market (truth).. so clearly my case is the least dramatic when compared to the first two. Regardless.. are we going to let it ruin our day, our week, our year.. our life?!

 

And that's where you have to put your foot down. I'm choosing to roll with it - will you?

 

So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

--Matthew 6:31-34

 

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

--Matthew 6:19-21

[for this I am thankful]

Thanksgiving.

Thankful hearts; turkey that makes you sleepy; family; friends; joy; afternoon naps; overfilled plates; full stomachs; PUMPKIN MUFFINS WITH CREAM CHEESE ICING; laughter; memories; walks on the golf course; FOOTBALL; time off from work; over competitive family members during Catch Phrase; mimosas; packed movie theaters. These are just a few of my favorite things about Thanksgiving.

However, one of the most important yet overlooked characteristics of Thanksgiving - not to mention everyday life - includes thankfulness towards the LORD for small, yet life changing blessings.

The other day (here I go with my deepness.. approaching 5.. 6.. 7 ft) I ate the most excellent pumpkin muffie (yes, you heard me) from Panera. It was strangely tasty. Please, go get one. Now. Anyway, I began thinking about taste. And how God created humankind to even have the ability to taste. Which leads me to believe that God cares about the joy of humankind enough to bless us not only with good food, but taste buds to let us fully experience it. He could have created the world with subpar food & drink to nourish us, but instead graces us with cabernet and racks of ribs.

Right on.

So this Thanksgiving I am choosing to be thankful for the ‘little’ blessings in life.

I’m thankful for cold showers when the hot water runs out because it means that I have the ability to bathe in clean water.

I’m thankful for a huge dent in my new car because it takes my focus off of material things. Not to mention that I no longer have to worry about the first scratch.. I’ve got a passenger door’s worth of damage.

I’m thankful for disagreements with close friends because it allows me to be honest and open about my feelings, leading to a stronger relationship.

I’m thankful for the paper cut I get from my book because that means I have an advantage over massive portions of the world’s population in that literacy and knowledge are items to be prized in the United States.

I’m thankful for the nonstop construction noises I can’t seem to cancel out with my headphones at work because that means I have the ability to hear.

Really though. There are innumerable ways to give thanks this Thanksgiving.. this week.. in this life. Open your eyes.

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

--1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Notice that joyfulness is grouped in with prayers and thankfulness; I don’t believe it to be a coincidence. Only when we begin opening our eyes to the blessings around us will we be joyful. Only when we pray to the LORD and see Him for who He is and what He desires for our life will we give thanks for his graciousness.

This Thanksgiving, I dare you to try looking for the simple blessings in life and giving thanks.

Prayers + Thankfulness = Pure Joy.

^^a heck of an equation if you ask me

And now for your enjoyment.. a Christmas background for your desktop. Here's to the holiday season.

 

[you be you]

It's 9:30 A.M. on Saturday morning.. okay maybe 10:30 if you had a late night. Sadly, since technology has taken over the face of the earth, you immediately take your iPhone 5 off its charger to check your Instagram feed when suddenly up pops that Christian girl's picture of her Bible, coffee, and scrambled eggs strategically arranged on her kitchen table (oops.. sorry, this was me last Saturday).

Ever catch yourself wondering if you measure up as a Christian? Do you find yourself discouraged by that girl's Instagram of her morning spent praying and reading? Wondering if your 'efforts' at loving Jesus are as effective as the next person?

You're straight trippin.

..but don't worry. Myself, along with many others, are caught doing the same thing. So last Saturday.. you know, post uploading my Instagram pic of my Bible, eggs, and coffee, I was praying that the Lord would show me how to love Him more. I began searching through the Bible - surely there's something in there that can tell me how to follow the Lord more closely, right? Then I came upon this gem..

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?"

He answered, " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind..' "

"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."

Luke 10:25-28

 

Wait.. so like.. that didn't really answer my question.

 

Exactly.

 

Love how Jesus doesn't lay down the Ten Commandments.

 

Love how this was not at all what the 'expert in the law' was expecting.

 

Love how love is the answer.

 

Time and time again we are caught up in assessing how we are to go about worshipping Jesus. Is Jesus most glorified when I am singing hymns? Does He like it when I write out my prayers in my journal? What if I prefer evening quiet times as opposed to morning quiet times? What if I can't get enough time in the day to read the Bible - is it okay if I just pray on my way to work?

 

And this is where Jesus says..

 

love me.

 

You be you.

 

If coffee makes you gag and mornings aren't quite your thing.. well then I certainly wouldn't recommend my Saturday morning routine.

 

If you feel the Lord's presence the most in worship, you go love the Lord through your car's speakers on the way to work! Why not go full out and roll your car windows down while the music is blaring? But then again, that's my preference.. you be you.

 

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

John 10:10

 

Jesus is working on your behalf. He doesn't want to give you a list of "dos and don'ts." God already proved that we suck at this (hint: Adam & Eve, 10 Commandments, etc.). All he asks is that you love him. And soon you will see..

 

Jesus will renew you. Slowly, all of those 'morally sound' things that Christians do (drink in moderation, refrain from gossip, love their neighbors as themselves.. you get the picture), you will suddenly find yourself doing. And not because you merely decide you want to follow the rules.. but because you are falling in love with the Creator of your soul.

 

Woah. Things just got real.

 

So whatever it is that you do to glorify the Lord - whether it be reading your Bible in the morning, praying while gardening, running down the road spurting out Bible verses (though I wouldn't quite recommend this last one) - do it with hopes of falling more in love with the Lord.