[because he loves you]

AHHHHHHHH. My fingers are on the keyboard, and I could not be more excited. I am not quite sure how I got out of this rhythm - the writing, the overflowing of my heart onto a blank screen for the sheer enjoyment of it - but I did. The last year (it has been almost a YEAR since we've lived in Denver) has been wonderful, superb, enjoyable, passionate, and truly life-giving. I've never been more sure that this is the location I am (we are) supposed to be, and that's a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y freeing. God has graciously provided us with community here that has made ALL the difference.

Newsflash: I am fully aware that this introduction sounds overly mushy. That doesn't negate the fact that it is all true, for this current season. It also does not negate the fact that God is present a-l-l the time, even amidst the struggles.

Speaking of struggling, did you know that I first came to really know Jesus through a bout with depression? This is a huge reason why I quit my stable, "cush" (is that really a word?) job to move to Denver to pursue a master's degree in clinical mental health counseling. I believe that it is out of our suffering that the Lord taps into our inner being in ways that we would never be able to experience sans hardship. And it is my desire, as God's ambassador - his unfortunately sinful, stubborn, lazy, doubting, flaky, hot-headed, etc. ambassador - to serve as an advocate to those who are hurting - the ones who cannot seem to feel, or potentially even desire - Jesus amidst the paralyzing pain.

I believe that Mother Teresa said it best:

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world."

This is my desire: to, in the throes of unwieldy pain, remind others of their identity - fully loved despite their circumstances.. the joy, peace, or desire for God that they simply cannot muster up because of the weight of their mental illness(es).

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Not because we had it all together. Not because we loved him as we should. Not because of our A+ behavior. Certainly not because of our pure hearts.

Simply because he loved (and currently loves) us.

Wherever this post finds you, I hope + pray that it will bring you JOY concerning the truth of your Belovedness.

You're doing quite alright, friend.

[on incomprehensible peace that looks like God's fingerprints]

Looks like the joke is on me..

I was all about saying YES - boldly + proudly proclaiming that 3-letter word - to writing more back in March. And it's now.. August? Oops.

Here's to fresh restarts and coming back to the things that give me life again and again.

Life looks a lot different than it did when I wrote my last post in March. I quit my corporate job of five years (say whaaaat) back in June to pursue something that truly gets my heart pounding. A month ago - to the day - my husband and I packed up our Penske (it was cheaper than a U-haul) and paraded our Oklahoman selves down I-70W to Denver, Colorado in hopes of *living our best lives now*. Okay, not really, but sort of. I'm starting grad school at Denver Seminary later this month to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling. A little different than my corporate job dealing with oil & gas storage and transportation, dontchya think? It was a shock to some, but to the people that know me more deeply, it wasn't. Just as it shouldn't have been.

In the past I have written a TON about how change affects me - how transitions are hard for me. And I fully anticipate this becoming hard after I realize what the HECK we've done by moving away from our family, friends and church community. But for now, it's been wonderful. Truly.

The thing that I have most enjoyed about this transition is seeing God's fingerprints on everything. YES, we say that God is sovereign - that he is ruler over every tribe, tongue and nation (Rev. 7:9). We say that we believe he is consistently working all things for our good (Rom. 8:28). We say that he is constantly guiding us and counseling as us we go (Psalm 32:8). But how often do we r-e-a-l-l-y look closely enough to see this happening?

God graciously opened up mine and Andrew's eyes during this process to see his movement in our lives. It's been nothing short of amazing, and I've surely written down every little aspect of this journey that has pointed us to praise his name. And rather than list out every single thing that our sweet Father has orchestrated to get us to where we are today, I want to encourage you - in your transition, in your staying, in your in-between.. wherever you are.

Because whether or not you can actively see it, God is working on your behalf. This is because he loves you with an unfailing, passionate, steadfast love. He isn't focused on some future version of yourself or a previous version of yourself that was "more solid, more faithful, less mistakes".. it's the YOU that you're living in right at this very moment. He wants to open up your eyes to the good that he is doing in and around you. The Creator of the world - of galaxies and human anatomy and gravity - wants to have a relationship with YOU. He wants to speak to you as you open up your ears and your heart to listen to him.

And as we begin listening - searching to find him in both our most commonplace routines as well as our life-changing decisions..

He graciously pours over us incomprehensible peace. Incomprehensible for the fact that it is incomparable for it cannot be found anywhere else. Of course it can't be found elsewhere. This peace is unlike any other peace that we've experienced. It's not the temporary peace we find from placing stock in relationships with significant others; this peace shatters the very minute we begin to realize that we were never supposed to place our worth in it. This peace can't be found in a self-help book because eventually you will find that you're not fixable on your own. This peace isn't found in some self-discovery backpacking trip across Europe - because once you discover all that you are on your own, you will most likely not be at peace [party foul].

This is what I strongly experienced over the past 7 months during mine and Andrew's Colorado processing time. This peace had God's fingerprints all over it. In what could have easily been an anxiety-fueled, uncomfortable, twiddling-my-thumbs-for-7-straight-months kind of season, God showed me kindness by revealing his powerful + sovereign personality to me thereby leading me to peace. I didn't have to wonder what would happen if this counseling school thing didn't work out or focus my thoughts on what rebuilding community in a completely new state would look like if we did make the move. 

Because he was sweetly reminding me that he is working all things for my good. And there is no room for doubt in that.

31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

-Matthew 6:31-33

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 

-Romans 8:31-32

[I missed you]

How much have I missed blogging?

SO MUCH.

Whenever I started designing for Wheat and Honey Co. and shortly thereafter decided to open my own business, Koselig Creative Co., it was quite obvious that priorities and schedules were changing. However, something that I l-o-v-e so much (WRITING) fell by the wayside, and over the past few months I have missed it incredibly. And, the funny part about it is that all along, WORDS have been my fuel.

Don't get me wrong - I highly enjoy good design, watercolor and some hand lettering.. but I love them even more when they're coupled with meaning: a hand lettered watercolor quote that inspires me, designing a brochure for a company that I know makes a difference in the community.. these are the things that get me going.

So here's to fresh restarts and saying "yes" to the things that bring me life. Here's to incorporating deep words of meaning and truth to Koselig through blog posts.

What fuels you?

1. If money wasn't an issue, what job would you take?
2. What gives you joy?
3. What are your strengths?
4. Are these the strengths that close family members and friends have mentioned that they see in you?
5. What do you think that you need to cut out of your life in order to make space for joy (i.e. things that leave you feeling dull or apathetic)?

[this week I am most thankful for]

Pushing myself, both physically and mentally. 

Going on a Sunday evening jog throughout my favorite neighborhood in Tulsa (which just so happens to be where our rental is located). Also forcing myself – because I know I love it – to write a blog post, even if I didn’t finish it until after my bed time.

Nesting.
Our house is becoming a home! And the beginnings of acknowledging that it doesn’t have to be [and never will be] perfect. And that’s what makes it good, quirky, and memorable.. or at least that's what I keep telling myself whenever I smell a strong scent of burning brussel sprouts coming from our neighbor below us.

Dinner invitations.
Andrew and I received a dinner invitation from a previous mentor of mine and her husband who I lost touch with recently for annoying life reasons. RSVP: Yes, yes, and YES.

THREE BOOKS IN THE MAIL on Saturday..
courtesy of Amazon.. and my bank account. I’m a non-fiction kinda girl, and I love me some reading + learning. If you're looking for me in the upcoming days and weeks, I will be in the nearest comfy coffee shop.

Loaded Questions: the game. 
Andrew and I stumbled upon this little goody after our impromptu sushi happy hour outing on Wednesday evening. Something about sushi makes me want frozen yogurt.. always. So there we went.. on to get some froyo at the shop across the street from the sushi restaurant (can a girl get an amen on that strategic location?!) where we found the Loaded Questions game. I only like interactive games.. and I just so happen to love loaded questions. And a game that involves both of these things?? Jackpot. Coming soon to a dinner party near you..

Saying "No". 
So let's be honest.. it's hard to say "no", whether it's due to FOMO (Fear of Missing Out for those of you who have not yet experienced this beast), giving in to the inaccurate belief that busyness is some sort of measure of success, or because we don't want to feel like we are letting people down. Each and every one of these reasons is a l-i-e. So if you need some alone time to process things, you've got far too many priorities and no purpose, or you're in one of those seasons where busyness overwhelms you because of everything that's going on in your life, just say no. People will respect your answer. Self-care is absolutely necessary and so very good for you.

Sweet reminders of God’s presence with me always.
Last Sunday night I had this strange urge to write out, “You’re okay” on some cardstock and then stick it on the wall (hooray for washi tape!) above my dresser whilst experiencing intense mouth pain and pondering life (#dramatic). Monday morning I just so happened to listen to a sermon on encouragement (I never listen to sermons in the morning due to me rolling out of bed at 7AM in order to leave at 7:30AM). 

And this is what I heard in that sermon.

God is faithful.
God knows what you're dealing with.
God sees your life;
He has purposes for you that you know nothing about;
Wherever you go, there God is;
There are other people who feel the way you do;
There are other people struggling with the things you are struggling with;
You are not alone;
The story is better than you think,
No matter what is going on right now and no matter how difficult life is,
How lonely or frustrated you might feel;
The good news in Christ is this:
This is God's world
And you are God's child, 
God's special possession,
And so ultimately, 
You're going to be okay.
--Jacob's Well Church, Kansas City, MO

So maybe you're super excited going into this new week.. maybe Mondays are your thing. And for that.. I give you two thumbs WAY up, for you are the exception. And maybe you reside on the other side of excitement.. you have mixed feelings about the upcoming week due to a stressful work schedule, feelings of busyness or feelings of idleness.. wherever you are, in the good and the bad, guess what?

You're going to be okay.

And I encourage you to write out the things that give you joy this week - because I think you will begin to see that it's all about perspective and that there are many good things to rejoice about. And I think that when you set yourself up to listen, you will hear many good things.

^^one of the ways in which I remember truth: writing

[authenticity + calligraphy]

7.4 billion.

THIS is the estimated world population. Personally, I can't even begin to imagine what a million people looks like, so if you, too, are having issues fathoming this crazy number.. fear not, for I am right there with ya.

What makes this so crazy [besides the fact that it is a ridiculously huge number]? The fact that we each have our own unique fingerprints.. not to mention our own unique likes and dislikes, dreams and aspirations.. you name it.

Take, for example, two of my good friends who are in the medical profession.

a) I literally almost pass out every time I get my blood drawn. Every time. And the worst part about it? This fear has only increased as I've gotten older - pretty sure it's supposed to be the other way around.
b) I am one of those people you read about that transfixes their minds on their illness' [or lack thereof] potential. It sounds like I have a cough, you say? I better camp out on WebMD.com to read about it ASAP. By the time I am done I will have most likely improperly diagnosed myself with a terminal illness.. maybe even 2.

My husband works with the elderly and is phenomenal at it. Personally, my patience would be tested every single day, and I would also probably break out in uncontrollable tears whenever they told me about their health issues or the unfinished items on their bucket list.

Another good friend is a realtor. If I were in her position, I would most likely convince the potential buyers to hold off on their purchase for investment purposes while I secretly go purchase it and nest.

You get the picture. We are uniquely crafted with specific giftings.

So.. may I ask you [and myself] WHY we are so obsessed with trying to be like others? Whether inadvertently or on purpose.. it's a thing.

Lately I've been really into hand-lettering.. basically calligraphy but not quite as in-depth. What I mean by this is that I've started following at least 15 calligraphers and hand-letterers over the past couple of months on Instagram [and created a few pieces of art on my own here and there along the way].

Yes, I believe it is a good thing to be curious and to want to learn more about a hobby. Yes, seeing different calligraphers' and hand-letterers' Instagram posts can be inspiring and trigger new ideas and excitement.

You know what it can also trigger?

Conformity.

It's so easy + tempting for me to find quotes I like and want to write out via other people's Instagram posts. It's also just as easy + tempting to take components of their 'style' instead of just pursuing my own.

"But their work is cool, and they seem to be successful." 

Yes, but no.

If what I said earlier is true - the whole part about us being 1 out of 7.4 billion - yet each of us having unique characteristics.. why would we hide our originality instead of offering it up?

Yes, it's scary to be authentic.

Yes, it's harder to take the road less traveled upon.

But..

YES, your own authenticity brings so much more to this world.

I think you will surprise yourself. And I think you will find that you know exactly what you're doing.

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

--1 Peter 4:10-11

Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.

--Isaiah 64:8

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

--Psalm 139:14

I think that Joss Whedon was spot on in his creativity quote.. so I wrote it down. In all things, 

explore,

nurture &

use 

your gift of God's varied grace.

[the time will come]

For those of us who are just now making our New Year's resolutions simply because we were expecting a little bit of closure before moving on to the next year..

I want you to know that it's okay.

It's okay to be in process, to be dreaming of change, to realize that your present happens to be far from perfect.. to have just crossed the finish line after a long journey full of perseverance [or lack thereof] only to find yourself packing up for another one.

Because the truth is.. we are all in process.

And sometimes this 'process' looks different for you at different stages of your life - comforting yet discomforting, I know. And quite frankly, your process always looks different for you than it does for others.

But don't let it ruin your 'now'. Because just as easily as this 'in-between' came upon you.. it will soon be gone.

You will soon begin to see the ways in which God is leading you - and it might not be in the present tense.. rather, you may only see this leadership in hindsight. But this place has been Designed for you. It is at this time through these circumstances that our good Father has chosen to mold you.

And maybe.. at the root of all of these feelings of uncertainty and imperfection is just that: a yearning to be made into something Glory-filled. 

So fear not, friend. Because while waiting periods can be far from pleasant with their restlessness, you are being made into something beautiful.

We are not broken beyond repair.

We are not marked by our failures.

We are not our past mistakes in present tense.

We are not to be looked down upon for being in process.

B r e a k t h r o u g h is often just around the corner.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint.. for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen our courage and faint. 

--Galatians 6:9

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. 

--Rainer Maria Rilke

[let's sit]

Today, I felt like Laura.

Do you ever get off track?

I know I do.

Especially in seasons of busyness, it is hard for me to remember truth. For some reason it seems to get covered up & perverted by the to-do lists and the ‘I don’t have enough time to get up in the morning to pray or read or process’ thoughts.. when that is exactly what I need.

This morning I was reading Leviticus. It’s a real hoot – let me tell ya. Anyway, I began reading about the Sabbath.

It is a Sabbath of rest for you, and you must deny yourselves.
-Leviticus 23:32

It’s crazy for me to think [and to acknowledge] that I control very little – that God is omniscient and omnipotent – yet I still tend to get off track time and time again in worrying.

He knows.

He knows that we are like this – that we are flawed because of our sin. That we ache to control our circumstances by overdoing, over-worrying, over-thinking. He knows that rest is good for our soul since he created us in this way. He knows what we need and wants to give us these things.

That is why he commanded the Israelites to take a Sabbath and then goes on to tell them that this would be hard for them – that they would have to deny themselves in order to take the Sabbath.

Doesn’t this speak to you?

It doesn’t matter what season of life you are in.. it’s a constant struggle to sit and be. You’ve got a 3-pager to-do list to complete by October 1^st? I guarantee you that you need rest in the midst of the ticking off of items. I can guarantee you that you will be able to accomplish more after some down time. I can guarantee you that you will gain new perspective.

Sabbath.

What it looks like for me consists of coffee shops. It’s not so much of the coffee that I’m after – even though it’s warm & tasty and makes me feel at home;  it’s more so the atmosphere of the shop. The people – the strangers – surrounding me laden with their laptops and their Beats headphones (I’ve been meaning to buy a pair of these ever since 2008), their determination to complete what they came in to work on.. but mostly their anonymity. Knowing that I likely will be unbothered for the coming hour [or two] while I’m reading and journaling, processing and planning.

It’s in the bits and pieces of my Thursday – breakfast with dear friends before going into work.. talking about the happenings of our lives: the excitement, the stagnant ongoings, and the fears. It’s getting things out in the open and realizing that we are happiest and most full when we are known.

It’s the workout at the gym [that I put off days & days in a row until I own up to my goal] when I don’t bring my cell phone – knowing that I am there to focus on my own health and my own thoughts while neglecting to fill myself with social media/texts/phone calls for that hour.

I got all of these things in [in some way or another] this weekend, and it was g-o-o-d.

He knows us. He really knows us. And it’s good.

Cheers to a 3-day weekend and rest in whatever form(s) that may be.

[all that I know is I'm breathing]

You're playing dodgeball.

Balls are being thrown at you from every which way. That boy with the killer arm- the one that's going to knock you right off of the court and put you right down on the bench if you're not careful- he's got his gaze on you, and he's waiting to disengage.

Then there is the the quiet girl with her stealthiness- you can't tell when she's going to let go but you remember that her aim is the best of all your opponents. And her consistency.. second to none.

Which ones do you attempt to catch?
Which ones should you dodge & never turn your back to?

This is what my life currently feels like. Now, please take this post with a grain of salt, knowing that I can be somewhat of a pansy, as well as slightly dramatic- oops. However, this is the one image that I keep coming back to- over & over again- replaying in my mind when I think about the current season I am walking through.

I hate this.

I hate making out my life happenings to be bigger than what they are when there are people out there experiencing things I could never even think about experiencing myself.

But for some reason it feels good to type out your worries & fears- handing them out like a free pamphlet on the street corner to the endless users of the world wide web, hoping they will find some sort of use out of them- while the writing somehow urges me to come back to focus on the Constant.

Like all seasons- good & bad- this season requires a daily refocusing. I'm reminded of a dancer who is spotting on her turns- knowing that the only way she will stay upright is if she comes back to focus on that one seemingly far spot on the wall as she inches closer and closer to it with each spin.

I always say that I hate change.

My roommate doesn't believe me. She thinks that I am good at it. Apparently I put on a good front.

This season is bringing about all sorts of change. All sorts of topics that I would have never thought possible 6 months ago.

Behold.

He says it when he wants us to listen- when he wants us to hurry up and come back to the realization that he is in control when we forget [or rather neglect to remember].

And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment."
-Revelation 21

A lot of life is choosing, I am finding. But what these clean cut words fail to show is the presence & reality of growing pains that these choices naturally bring about. Nevertheless, I am choosing to believe that he is working for my good. I am choosing to believe that I am outrageously l-o-v-e-d by my God who loves each of us with a passion so deep. A passion that urged him to give Jesus as a sacrifice to die for us so that he could get to know us.. he sees us as THAT valuable.

[Listen to me. I know what you're thinking. I've already thought out every detail of your life. After all, I did create you. Beloved, you're going to be fine. This is going to be good. You forget that I make the most perfect masterpieces- and that is exactly what I want to make out of you.]

[a gold mine of a mouth + insufficiency]

There I was.. tearing up in my 8' x 5' corporate space (otherwise known as a 'cubicle'), glaring at 2 words on the computer screen written by an acquaintance:

Thank you. 

Let's just back up here a minute.. The day was Monday, June 22nd - also the 5th day of my stint with Hydrocodone - and the pain was making its presence known through intermittent pulses in my mouth due to the placement of 2 temporary crowns (and an unruly dentist..).

My coworkers are really the best. REALLY. A fairly large group of us have a prayer 'chain', if you will, going on. I had never emailed a request of my own. My thinking: in order to come to such a large group (with a good portion of the group being people that I have never met), I better have a pretty 'significant' issue.

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
--Philippians 4:6

..so that was flawed thinking. Oops.

I then sent out an email noting my terrible pain over the past week and asked for their prayers - that the Lord would use the same power that he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead.. on my mouth.

Yes, I felt a little bold asking this, but isn't this what we're called to be?

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.
--Ephesians 1:18-21

And what types of responses did I get? People THANKING me for giving them the opportunity to pray for me. What is this?!?!!?!?!?

This, my friends, is Christ Jesus' work on the world. It's holy, and it's pure. It's sincere and for our good.

While the pain from my dental issues has not quite ceased completely & I may or may not have also had a root canal since my 2 temporary crown placements, the pain has been much more bearable. What has lifted my spirits the most is the encouraging prayers + love from others.

What I am continuing to learn is that weakness is a prerequisite to becoming a follower of Jesus. We need other people looking out for us. We need prayers. We need encouragement when life gets us down and the dental bills come a rollin' in [and every other day]. It's plain & simple: we need true community in the form of vulnerability coupled with the forcing of truth.. because quite frankly, truth is sometimes hard to hear.

Repeat after me: I am not sufficient on my own.

You might have to say it a couple of times before you actually start to believe it. At first, it won't feel good. It will feel somewhat similar to that feeling you experienced as a young 4-year old when your mom forced you to say you were sorry to your sibling, when truth is- you really weren't sorry. But then, after a couple more times you will feel relieved when you come to the beautiful realization that you don't have to carry your burdens alone! In fact, God prefers that you don't do this because he knows wholeheartedly that this is unhealthy.. simply because, he made us this way.

It is my selfish belief to think that I can do everything on my own. Whether our motivation is our distrust of others, our fear of vulnerability, our control-freak tendencies, or all of the above.. we act as though we have the largest stake in our life and our idea of good is the only one that matters.

This is not so.

Let's share those burdens so they don't take hold over us.

Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!
--Psalm 133:1

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
--Galatians 6:2

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in [insufficiency]." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses.. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
--2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Ready, set, GO!

[dreams & gym breakups]

"And why do you want to end your membership?"

"..because I never come here."

It's that easy.. when you join a gym in January 2015 and use the facilities one single time in total (the day I joined) in 3 and a half months, a gym breakup is essential.

At least I learned my lesson.

..or did I?

Sadly, I can say with truth that I have quit a total of 3 different gyms in the last 3 years of my post graduate life. Oops.

Let me set this straight just in case you were confused (because the good Lord knows that I am for signing up for gyms again AND again): I'm not a gym person.

I don't like gyms. In my opinion - for whatever it's worth - pretty much all exercise should be done outside. I don't prefer to run on a treadmill on a path leading me to nowhere when I could be, say, running to the nearest coffee shop to journal. I don't prefer unleashing the beast that is my sweaty-ness to a group of my 50 [non]closest "friends" at the gym - the ones who glisten in the fluorescent lighting while I'm racing to the nearest water fountain to "splash some water on my face".. you know who I'm talking about. And it's probably you.

Annoyingly so, this little gym mishap thing that I've got going on.. makes me somewhat of a quitter.

I know that I want to be healthier. I know that I want to be able to walk up my parking garage's flight of stairs without getting winded on the way in to work..

But what am I doing about it?

So I've been reading this awesome book by Jon Acuff called Quitter. It's a gem. I would highly suggest it, even though I'm not done.

What I'm learning so far is that if you truly want something, you have to actually try to get it. I know, I know - how much more common sense could it get? But really. Ask yourself how many times you have said that you were "too busy" to do something you love.

You know, the conversation that goes a little bit like this:

Me: "What's your favorite thing to do outside of your 8 to 5?"

You: "Well, I LOVE to paint. But I just can't ever find enough time to do it."

NEWSFLASH: if you love something, you can and will find time to do it. I promise.

This is what I'm learning.

I'm learning that dreams are fun and all.. but that is exactly what they will stay if I do not choose to proactively pursue them. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what that looks like, but I'd be lying to you if I told you that I didn't make an Excel spreadsheet mapping out part of "The Plan" this evening.

I'm also learning about being vulnerable. And vulnerability is never fun. I am beginning to think that the reason a dream is "a dream" is because we're too scared to pursue it. What happens if I fail? What happens if it's not everything I thought it would be? It's always nice to have a plan B.. and then maybe the other 24 letters.

My hope & prayer is that this coming season will be one of creativity + trust. Offering up my dreams & plans in the hands of an almighty, loving, omniscient, and sovereign God - the One who offers up grace upon grace continually.. He never quits. In fact, "quitting" isn't even in His repertoire.

At the heart of a dream is change.

Sitting and resting in change right here with you.

[meander]

Life is complicated.

This I have come to discover through multiple avenues, but more so, over one very long avenue that has had me driving for miles. And when I say miles, I mean m-o-n-t-h-s. Convoluted directions and restricted left-hand turns.. mirages out on the open desert road..

Where’s Google Maps when ya need it?

When you’re young, everything seems unbelievably simple.

Effortless;

Straightforward; &

Clear-cut.

So life’s decisions are simple, right? Turns out.. this is not always the case. Joke’s on this girl. Turns out.. very likely is this ever the case.

I remember just how painless my youth ‘problems’ were – if you can even call them that. They were centered around slumber party guest lists, basketball team tryouts, spelling bee jitters, and babysitting schedules.

Now my problems have more to do with salary negotiations, living out my dreams in life, finding out if the guy I’m dating has the potential to be my husband, figuring out my ‘5 year plan’ – whatever the FREAK that is – watching my friends get pregnant while I sit here and watch Netflix home alone on a Friday night (..and am incandescently & shamelessly happy about it).

So where does that lead me? To surrender & trust. Not the simple answer I was looking for to get me out of the not-so-simple complications of life. The older I get, the surer I am that I’m not running the show. And it’s a DANG good thing that I’m not.

P

A

U

S

E.

^^so this little snippet of stress; ball of nerves; whatever you would like to call it – was written in June of 2014.

It is now – as you know – March 2015. [Sometimes I have a bad habit of leaving things halfway done.]  I found this unfinished wannabe blog post while going through files on my computer a couple of weeks back. When I read it, I laughed.. a good laugh. Mainly for the fact that it is complete + solid evidence that the ways of the Lord are second to none – that he truly is sovereign. But what’s even better than that? His sovereign ways are GOOD. He is GOOD. And now for the best part.. he LOVES us.

What?!?!?! That is mind boggling, incredible, awe-inspiring.. and, most importantly, true. So back when I wrote this, I think you can gather that I was a little confused – I was in a stage of life where I felt the need to test the waters, if you will.. see what was on the other side of the pasture in hopes of finding something excitingly luscious and green. No such luck. In my wandering (“prone to wander, Lord I feel it”.. those lyrics ring annoyingly true), God stayed.

So I was reading Genesis 38 this morning. It's a real knock-you-right-outta-your-seat-jaw-dropping-way-down kind of chapter. The main character, Judah (Judah is Israel's - formerly known as Jacob - son) is living quite the life.. um, sleeping with prostitutes, selling his brother to the family’s enemies for some extra cash money.. just a little brotherly love here - nothing out of the ordinary. Nope, I am lying. This was an interesting Saturday morning read to say the least. However, what I found exponentially more interesting is that God chose Judah’s line to bring Jesus into the world. Say whaaaaat?

Judah clearly has some issues. Let’s be real. Homeboy is a bit confused about the meaning of “righteousness” and the goodness it brings us – but aren’t we all, really?

But God.

I love the coupling of these two words. But God uses Judah, a sinful + flawed person, to bring about a most perfect Messiah. Crazy. Throughout the Old Testament, New Testament, and in my daily life, I am assured of the truth that I cannot lose, even when I am faint of heart or go my own way through disobedience or rebellion when he is on my side. As I said earlier, God is sovereign. And so incredibly GOOD. And he LOVES us.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in [me] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

--Philippians 1:6

Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.

--Romans 5:20

So basically, on this 4^th day of March, walking into a fresh, new month.. I am out of the wandering – in this specific instance at least.. personally, I believe we are annoyingly + subconsciously always going to wander until Jesus comes back. But God uses this wandering to slowly reveal to us that he is working on our behalf - for the g-o-o-d of those who love him. 

And today, on this 4th day of March, I choose to believe that God is constantly at work in and around and through me. I choose to fully acknowledge that there are many surprises in store for me that are leading me to the wide open arms of Jesus Christ, my completely good + sovereign + loving Sweet Lord.

Won't you choose to believe with me?

[illuminate us]

Hello, dear friends. 

Although I may not know you, I trust that you are searching for meaning & that you feel the need for a deep sense of belonging (hint: because that's what everyone desires). I want you to know that 2015 holds an endless supply of possibilities, successes, adventures, monumental learning experiences.. and maybe some darkness dispersed in between.

Wait, don't go. I promise this will get better.

So, ever since I was a little girl I have loved to craft - soap bars for my extended family members (why not?), "snow globes" in translucent, upside down Dixie cups for my mom to put on her desk at work (what can I say? I'm an artist), and more recently, beer bread for my coworkers (yes, cooking is a craft). Pinterest has accelerated this interest of mine. Anyway, I tend to craft items for people I love. So this Christmas, I knew that I wanted to make something for some family members, but I didn't know what exactly I wanted to make. This is where Pinterest comes in. After perusing the website for several minutes/hours/..days (you be the judge), I decided to make soy candles.

In addition to crafting, I also journal. This year I wrote down a couple of words to describe each individual month. I have a fear of forgetting the good & the bad in the midst of busyness, and I want to remember what each month brought to the table. Personally, I would recommend doing this - it's been pretty interesting. According to my journal, 2014 was full of settling in, backsliding, busyness, surprising myself, a European adventure, celebration of an absence, and love.

Back to the candles.. after choosing my idea, I, naturally, thought of light and its meaning to me.

Jesus said that He is the light of the world - that whoever follows Him shall not walk in darkness but have the light of life. 
--John 8:12

Jesus' word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. 
--Psalm 119:105

And then it came to me.

Although I wrote down individual words to categorize each month, there is one key word that is representative of each of the months. It is depicted in bold, capital letters, size 394,856 font on the banner that covers my year of 2014. All 12 months. All 365 days. And that one key word would be: Light.

Even though there were times that I attempted to hide in the dark, as well as times that I almost forgot what light looked like, it has been there. He has been there. And even when darkness dispersed into portions of my 365 days, Light prevailed.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

--John 1:5

So, dear friends - remember what I said about feeling the need for a deep sense of belonging? Know that in Him, 

You, along with the Church, are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

--1 Peter 2:9

Here's to 2015. I know that it's going to be a marvelous year - for you & me both. When we acknowledge Him, we are sure to see that His good, sweet, and victorious Light always prevails.

[give light]:

makes about 12 small candles

you will need:

- 12 small decorative containers (I used planters from Anthropologie)

- soy wax flakes, 1 lb bag.. get this at Hobby Lobby

- pouring pot.. also at Hobby Lobby right next to the soy wax flakes (SCORE!)

- wooden spoon for mixing.. I used chopsticks

- wick wire.. also next to the soy wax flakes at Hob Lob

- 12 clips to put your wire in.. "see above"

- any scent you so desire (I bought "homestead" scent from Hobby Lobby)

1. Turn the stove to medium heat and pour all of the wax flakes into the pouring pot.

2. As the wax begins to melt, stir with wooden spoon. Stir every so often until all flakes have melted completely and wax is transparent.

3. Remove from heat and pour in your scent. I poured in the whole bottle. (Note: this activity can also serve as the perfect bonding opportunity for you and your boyfriend.. or.. you can make him craft with you because you're a procrastinator on gifts and need help asap.)

4. Let the wax sit for 25 minutes before pouring in the small decorative containers so that it can cool to 120 degrees.

5. While you are waiting for the wax to cool. put a clip and some wick wire in your small decorative containers.

6. After 25 minutes, pour the wax into the small decorative containers. Then wait for the wax to harden (15 hours). As the wax starts to set, it will become less transparent.

7. Trim the wicks, tie some twine around your candle and gift to a loved one.

Happy 2015!

[life lately]

Summarizing everything I've learned about a particular topic in one, consolidated, quantifiable report.

This is what I do at work.

This is what I am going to do in this blog post.

Topic of choice: life.

Okay, so NO, I’m not really going to summarize the ENTIRE topic of life in this report – that would be far too time consuming; rather, I will settle for “Life Lately”. My consolidated, quantifiable report will comprise of 5 main truths that I have learned over the course of the late summer and early fall months – simple yet transformative truths. And, friend.. I hope you, too, have learned or will soon learn these wonderful truths. Because quite frankly, life is good when we experience truth. And with that..

Ready, set, GO.

1. Even if you think your prayer is somewhat ‘small’ or ‘stupid’, I can guarantee you that God cares. [Insert Matthew 6:26, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 139]. If you REALLY think about it – this is both humbling & frightening – we are quite small. We are 1 in 7.125 billion. Not only are we small population-wise, take note that we are small galaxy-wise. Let’s talk about how there are 17 billion Earth-sized planets in our galaxy ALONE. Think about your worries of your day. Then minimize them. Of course your prayer is going to be ‘small’. Regardless, God – the sole Creator of the 7.125 billion people and 17 billion planets – artistically crafted an intricate being – aka YOU – and desires to know you. Every little piece of you. He wants to hear about both the painful mouth ulcer that won’t go away and the huge presentation you’ve got next Thursday. He loves when you slowly release the grip of your so-called ‘control’ and give it up to Him, the only true Controller. He loves to comfort you because He loves you. Take heart. When you tell Him your thoughts and hopes and dreams, trust Him with them. Wait expectantly to see more of His character through the way He answers [or doesn’t answer] your prayer – small or big. You will be amazed.
2. Community is good. Wherever you go, there is someone out there (no, multitudes of ‘someone’s, actually) who are experiencing the same things as you, feeling the same things as you, attempting to understand the same things as you. Take comfort in this. Use this. I have found a commonality in each of the ‘crossroads’ of my life: there has always been one particular person strategically placed in my life to aid me in my distress, celebrate with me in my joys, or sit with me in my apathy – who has either previously gone through or is currently going through this stage. No coincidence there – it’s on purpose. He determined the set times for them and the exact places where [His creation] should live. God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him.. –Acts 17
3. Where you invest your [prayer], you invest your life. No, I didn’t just butcher the Mumford and Sons lyrics.. inadvertently. I always kind of wondered why God wanted us to pray – don’t get me wrong, I know that this communication vastly deepens & strengthens our relationship with God – it’s just that sometimes I just don’t understand why we are called to pray for certain things if God has already made up his mind about everything, ya know? That’s what I call a conundrum. Well, my perspective changed. 2 weeks ago. I am blessed to know some of the most loving, mission-minded people. It’s crazy inspiring. SO.. I was reading a monthly newsletter of one of these beautiful-souled people and slowly began praying for the prayer requests included in their letter. And like that, suddenly I became invested. Interesting how that works out. I became sincerely interested in the wellbeing of my friend and each of her prayer requests. God is good like that. He gives us that heart for others. He gives us the freeing ability to trust Him when we leave our cares at His feet.
4. Never lose your sense of wonder. I seriously enjoy music. Zach Winters, Ellie Holcomb, All Sons and Daughters, Sigur Ros, Bon Iver, .. the list goes on and on. Ever spent time thinking about how we hear? Sound waves enter the ear canal and cause the eardrum to vibrate, vibrations passing through 3 connected bones in the middle ear, which in turn sets fluid moving in the inner ear. This moving fluid bends thousands of delicate hair-like cells which convert the vibrations into nerve impulses which are then carried to the brain by the auditory nerve. In the brain, the impulses are converted into what we “hear” as sound (sc.edu). The sound worms its way deep into our emotions, our lives.. while we just sit there stupidly and hear. Let’s not forget that this world, including all of its inhabitants, is deeply magical. We should respect people for who they are: individual miracles. Little bodies of life and little tiny evidences of a creative Creator.
5. Abide. While you’re busy praying, communing, investing, and wondering..I’ve learned it’s very important to keep on keepin on. Let’s  a-b-i-d-e.

a.       to await in expectation

b.      to continue without fading or being lost

c.       to endure without yielding

d.      to bear patiently

e.      to accept without objection

f.        “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.. apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15

And regardless of when we arrive upon our discoveries of truth – whether it be late summer / early fall like the 5 I discussed – in every season, He is still God.